Do: Be sure to leave your family to go shopping during Thanksgiving. After all, what is Thanksgiving all about if not ditching your family to stand in line with strangers to buy things?
Don’t: Under no circumstances should you stay home and be thankful for your family or your blessings in life.
Do: Be sure to ignore the real humans surrounding you during dinner and your visit with relatives. You don’t want to miss your friends’ latest picture of their feet or food.
Don’t: Be that annoying relative that actually wants human contact with others. This is Thanksgiving. If you’re not fighting, drunk, or on your phone, there’s a problem.
Do: Act like a glutton. Nothing says America more than biting off more than you can chew!
Don’t: Hold anything back. Stuff your face, drink too much, and watch football until your eyes bleed!
Do: When you hit the stores for Black Friday, make sure you throw elbows, fight with women and small children, and otherwise brawl over cheap plastic trinkets.
Don’t: DO NOT act like a civilized person who is merely out to take advantage of price mark-downs.
Do: Rabidly throw yourself at the first deal you see. It doesn’t matter what it is.
Don’t: Carefully research or study the deals you want to take advantage of. There’s no time for timidity or weakness on Black Friday.
Do: Spend every last dime you have. Better yet, go into debt. After all, someone needs to keep the economy moving!
Don’t: Take any of this advice seriously. Do the opposite!
Spend some time with your family and count your blessings. Enjoy the holiday!